Smile & Enjoy

Torquay knife crime bad. According to the police, someone gets stabbed every 90 seconds! I would hate to be that person!

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving!
You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once!

Last week one of our members was set upon by 5 armed, smartly dressed, assailants. Our unfortunate member was smashed across the back with a cello, was poked in the eye with a clarinet, was hit in the shins with bassoon and was rendered unconscious with a very nasty hit to the head with a big drum. The police have stated that is was a very well-orchestrated attack.

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo!

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that…”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my house.”

A 90-year-old man walks into a confessional… “Father” he says, “yesterday I had sex with 3 different women – all on the same day”. The priest asks, “tell me my son, when was your last confession?” The 90-year-old replies “Never! I am Jewish.” To which the priest asks, “Well why are you telling me?” The 90-year-old replies “Father, I’m telling everyone!”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

Jerry and Mike were two young businessmen who were setting up a new store on Main Street. The store wasn’t quite ready for opening yet, but at least all the shelves were now set up and located in their right places. They’d had a very busy morning setting up those shelves, so they were now taking a well-earned break. As they surveyed the results of all their hard work, Jerry said, “I’ll bet you any minute now someone will walk by, put their face to the window, and then ask what we’re selling.” Mike smiled, but before he could respond, there was a little old lady peering through the glass. In a soft voice, she said, “What are you selling here?” Well, Jerry couldn’t resist a sarcastic response. “We’re selling assholes,” he said. Right back at him, the little old lady responded, “You must be doing really well then because you’ve only got two left!”

A man comes home very late from golf ! His wife was angry and asked him why. "Bob had a heart attack and died right there on the 9th hole!" he explained. "Oh, my goodness, how horrible!" she exclaimed. "No wonder you're late!" "Yeah," he said. "You wouldn't believe how long it takes to hit the ball drag a body, hit a ball drag a body..."

There was a knock on the door in the early hours. The man went downstairs, opened the door, and a voice said "Will you give us a push, mate?". The man was very angry, saying that this was a ridiculous hour to be knocking people up, shut the door, and went back upstairs. When his wife asked who it was, he told her some nutter wanting a push. She said"You shouldn't have refused him; don't you remember when we broke down and were glad of a push?", so he went downstairs again, opened the door, and said"OK,mate, where are you?" And a voice said "Over here on the swings".

A guy tries to enter a nightclub but is stopped at the door by the bouncer who tells him that he can't get in without wearing a necktie. The guy goes back to his car, looks around but can't find a tie. He sees a set of jump leads in the back so he puts them around his neck and ties a rough knot. He walks back to the nightclub. When the bouncer sees him he looks him over and says "OK you can go in - but don't start anything"

A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why they're there. "It's a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?" The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying, "No, I'll just have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high."

Head Jokes

Q: What do you call someone with a car on their head?
A: Jack

Q: What do you someone with a wooden plank on their head?
A: Edward (Ed-wood -
get it?)

Q: What to you call someone with 3 planks of wood on their head?
A: Edward Woodward

Q: What do call someone with a shovel on their head?
A: Doug

Q: What do call someone with a seagull on their head?
A: Cliff

Q: What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head?
A: Reg

Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
A: Warren.

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of lager balanced in one hand, a pint of bitter in the other and a pint of Guinness on her head?
A: Beatrix

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of lager balanced in one hand, a pint of bitter in the other and a pint of Guinness on her head - and is an ace snooker player?
A: Beatrix Potter

A guy walks into the doctor's with a strawberry, a raspberry and a black-berry growing out of his head. The doctor takes a sharp intake of breath, nods his head and says 'you're in luck... I can give you some cream for that'!

Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. Extra strong mint says to Mars bar, `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No-one's harder than me!'. With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. Mars bar says, `Hang on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. Extra strong mint says, `I might be hard, but he's menthol!'

I bet you didn't know that the famous Hollywood actor Yul Brynner (The King and I, The Magnificent 7, Westworld, etc.) was an ardent Liverpool FC fan.

What’s more, I also bet that you didn’t know that Yul Brynner refused to splash on any kind on fragrance!

That’s right - “Yul never wore cologne”

A man was up a ladder using a petrol power saw to cut down some branches... Unfortunately one of the branches fell on the ladder and both the man and the saw tumbled to the ground... where the saw, which had failed to cut out, mangled his manhood. The man lay there screaming in agony! His wife came running out and when she saw what had happened, called emergency services. The husband and wife were rushed to hospital where he was heavily sedated and taken straight into the operating theatre. When he came to, the doctor and his wife were standing there looking solemnly over him. The doctor told the man to steady himself, as he had bad news, but things were not as dark as they could be. The bad news was that they could not save his manhood! However there was some good news and that news was that medical science had come on in leaps and bounds and he could get a replacement manhood that was as good, if not better, than his original manhood. The only downside was that it was not available on the NHS. For £5,000 they could select the 6 inch replacement, for £10,000 they could select the 9 inch replacement and for £15,000 they could go for the 12 inch replacement. The man was beaming with deep joy! The doctor said that he would leave them alone for a few minutes to discuss how they wanted to proceed. After some time they called the doctor back and he asked them what had they decided? The man solemnly looked at the doctor and said that after talking about it long and hard they have decided to get a new kitchen.

A store that sells husbands and wives has the following notice to describe is operating and sales procedure: You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the person you want increase as you ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any person from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Department to find a husband...
On each floor the signs on the doors read:

  • Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

  • Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

  • Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

  • Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

  • Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

  • Floor 6 - You are visitor 1, 986,201 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The Wife Department

  • Floor 1 - These wives love sex.

  • Floor 2 - These wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

A young bowler was playing in the county championship final and was up against an older opponent who was always on the green. The green was in a picturesque village next to a old church and a neatly kept graveyard. After 12 ends, a funeral procession passed by and the older bowler stood to attention, bowed his head and put his hand and his heart! The younger bowler was so taken by this amazing show of respect that he asked if it was someone he knew, to which the older bowler replied that she had been a wonderful wife for 45 years, and he would miss her dearly.

I walked into a pet store and asked the attendant for 12 bees. When I counted them out I found there were 13! I asked why 13 and the answer was one was a freebie!

Sorry to announce that the Torquay police arrested two of our older old bowlers leaving the club the other day! One was drinking battery acid! The other was eating fireworks!
The police charged one and let the other one off.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"I’ll have a pint please, and one for the road."